Shit or Get Off the Pot

WEEK 8 OR 9?

Train as you fight.

Train as you fight.

When someone tells me it's time to shit or get off the pot, I respond with, "I have perpetual diarrhea; I never-not shit". It's been what seems like years since we started our Guinness Book Longest Stationary Manual on a Wheelchair World Record Adventure (I've even forgotten about and remembered it several times now), but I am proud to announce, it's time to shit. 

I checked my email this morning and thought, "what the hell is Guinness Book sending me messages for?" Then it all came back to me. The pain, the shame. Our people have lived for too long without the Guinness Book Longest Stationary Manual on a Wheelchair World Record. We are tired of those Canadians thinking they're better than us just because they invented the world's greatest sport (hockey) and hold OUR Wheelchair Wheelie Record. Well guess what Canada...I have to take a shit, and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. 

A.B.S. (Angry Bowel Syndrome)

A.B.S. (Angry Bowel Syndrome)

The rules aren't simple. In fact, I literally can't do this without you. Here's the meat of it:

Rules for Longest stationary manual on a wheelchair

1. The wheelchair used must be commercially available and standard in every way. It may not have more than four wheels and may not be modified in any way to make balancing on two wheels any easier. Details of the wheelchair used must be submitted with the claim. 

2. There must be no outside assistance of any means to help make the manual simpler, i.e. holding onto a rope or a balance beam of some sort.

3. The record attempt may be done on any kind of surface, provided it is perfectly level. A qualified surveyor should measure and confirm that the road surface has a slope of no more than 1 in 1000, and should submit a written report confirming this fact.

4. The clock starts as soon as the rider lifts the front wheels up from the ground. The clock stops at the time that the front wheels first touch the ground or the participant loses control and both back wheels are no longer in touch with the ground.

5. Two experienced timekeepers (e.g. from a local athletics club) must time the attempt with stopwatches accurate to 0.01 seconds. If there is any difference between the two timings, the average should be recorded as the official time.

6. The entire attempt must be filmed. The camera must be focused on the attempt at all times and preferably be static.

7. No person under the age of 16 may attempt this record. Persons aged between 16 and 18 must be in possession of a document signed by their parent or legal guardian, giving them permission to compete.

So I have several of these rules under control, but here's what I need from you:

  • 1  -  Surveyor,
  • 2 - "Experienced" Time Keepers...

I'm not sure what an experienced time keeper is, but having an elementary understanding of time, and how to keep it, is probably a fundamental aspect of being a grown-up. If you want to help, or know some time-keepers/surveyors, or if you own a projector so we can watch a Mighty Ducks Marathon, contact me directly at But no fiddle-farting around; we plan on taking the record back on:

Saturday, Sept. 12th at My Place American Pub


For those of you planning on witnessing this slightly underwhelming feat of stubbornness, you'll be pleased to know that immediately after our victory, you will have a chance to see the one and only Ukulady's Man with the Man Named Bones.

Don't miss your chance to be a part of history.