Shit or Get Off the Pot

WEEK 8 OR 9?

Train as you fight.

Train as you fight.


When someone tells me it's time to shit or get off the pot, I respond with, "I have perpetual diarrhea; I never-not shit". It's been what seems like years since we started our Guinness Book Longest Stationary Manual on a Wheelchair World Record Adventure (I've even forgotten about and remembered it several times now), but I am proud to announce, it's time to shit. 

I checked my email this morning and thought, "what the hell is Guinness Book sending me messages for?" Then it all came back to me. The pain, the shame. Our people have lived for too long without the Guinness Book Longest Stationary Manual on a Wheelchair World Record. We are tired of those Canadians thinking they're better than us just because they invented the world's greatest sport (hockey) and hold OUR Wheelchair Wheelie Record. Well guess what Canada...I have to take a shit, and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. 

A.B.S. (Angry Bowel Syndrome)

A.B.S. (Angry Bowel Syndrome)

The rules aren't simple. In fact, I literally can't do this without you. Here's the meat of it:


Rules for Longest stationary manual on a wheelchair

1. The wheelchair used must be commercially available and standard in every way. It may not have more than four wheels and may not be modified in any way to make balancing on two wheels any easier. Details of the wheelchair used must be submitted with the claim. 

2. There must be no outside assistance of any means to help make the manual simpler, i.e. holding onto a rope or a balance beam of some sort.

3. The record attempt may be done on any kind of surface, provided it is perfectly level. A qualified surveyor should measure and confirm that the road surface has a slope of no more than 1 in 1000, and should submit a written report confirming this fact.

4. The clock starts as soon as the rider lifts the front wheels up from the ground. The clock stops at the time that the front wheels first touch the ground or the participant loses control and both back wheels are no longer in touch with the ground.

5. Two experienced timekeepers (e.g. from a local athletics club) must time the attempt with stopwatches accurate to 0.01 seconds. If there is any difference between the two timings, the average should be recorded as the official time.

6. The entire attempt must be filmed. The camera must be focused on the attempt at all times and preferably be static.

7. No person under the age of 16 may attempt this record. Persons aged between 16 and 18 must be in possession of a document signed by their parent or legal guardian, giving them permission to compete.


So I have several of these rules under control, but here's what I need from you:

  • 1  -  Surveyor,
  • 2 - "Experienced" Time Keepers...

I'm not sure what an experienced time keeper is, but having an elementary understanding of time, and how to keep it, is probably a fundamental aspect of being a grown-up. If you want to help, or know some time-keepers/surveyors, or if you own a projector so we can watch a Mighty Ducks Marathon, contact me directly at editor@readexposure.com. But no fiddle-farting around; we plan on taking the record back on:



Saturday, Sept. 12th at My Place American Pub

 

For those of you planning on witnessing this slightly underwhelming feat of stubbornness, you'll be pleased to know that immediately after our victory, you will have a chance to see the one and only Ukulady's Man with the Man Named Bones.

Don't miss your chance to be a part of history. 

Impatience Is A Virtue

WEEK 5

IMG_8242.JPG

Only five weeks into my World Record Rampage, and the lack of response from Guinness Book has prompted us to begin drafting Plan B; The Exposure Magazine Book of Not-Guinness Book of World Records Book. We know that, technically, their response isn't late, but we didn't realize how long five weeks feels like. That being said, send all your record applications directly to me at editor@readexposure.com. Don't worry, we're still going to get the Guinness Record (Dylan Michael Kennedy drew first blood, not us), we just feel like we could make a more accessible book of records.  

In other news, we shipped our magazine to the printers yesterday. It's probably our best one yet. Be sure to pull that crumpled little piece of our heart out of your mailbox and take pictures with it so we know it made it there safe. Take a picture doing whatever it is you do with your copies of Exposure and tag us on Facebook with them. Don't forget that your mom is probably your friend on there and she might not approve of you posting obscene Exposure Magazine Day photos. It's your mom though, we don't have to deal with her. 

You may not know this, but on Magazine Day, we usually celebrate with a barbeque out in front of our hideout. I obviously BBQ'd while on the two big  wheels of my chariot.* See photo below. 

*I actually forgot all about the Guinness Record (it's been five weeks, I'm not an elephant), and Calvin did all the cooking. Once we remembered, I snatched up my wheelchair and took a photo with the grill to make it look like I did wheelies the whole time. The grill wasn't even hot anymore, but at least I'm honest. 

(Breathing Intensifies)

WEEK 4

"Cry Havoc! And let slip the Dogs of War" - Elijah Wood

"Cry Havoc! And let slip the Dogs of War" - Elijah Wood

I know what you're thinking, "When the hell is he going to break this record". To answer your subconscious inquiry, as soon as the staff of Guinness Book start taking their jobs as seriously as I do mine. To answer it more accurately, we are 21 days, 21 hours, 42 minutes and 58 seconds into our 6-8 week window. You're going to have to subtract that from 6-8 weeks on your own because I have a lot of work to do today. 

We were recently informed by our good friend Ashli Waldrep over at the Arts & Humanities Council that we aren't the only ones on a World Record Breaking Warpath; The 'Got to Do It Big Gospel Choir' will be breaking the World's Largest Gospel Choir Record on Friday, August 7th at the Lake Charles Civic Center from 9 am to 10 pm. You can register here. I'm pretty sure that was the World's Largest Sentence. 

In other news, I arrived at the office to find a tandem bicycle , also known as a pedally freight train, at my desk (actually, I had to help Calvin dig it out of a warehouse). Our Sales Director, Michael Wicks, and I will ride this platypus-esque thing to local bars to get drunk at the upcoming Pub Peddler event on August 8th. I don't have all the details yet, but I promise I'll let you know as soon as I do. I hope you'll accept this picture of our bike as my apology for my lack of information. 

 

Technically, I'll be the 'stoker' and Michael will be the pilot.

Technically, I'll be the 'stoker' and Michael will be the pilot.

Maiden Voyage

Maiden Voyage

Well, Calvin and I just gave our trusty steed a test drive, and let's just say, it'll be an interesting night. It's kind of like riding a boat, but more awkward. That being said, we need to name this vessel. Leave your suggestions in the comments section below. Be sure to start them with 'S.S.'. You don't have to, I'll add it for you later, but when I do; it's going to make it flow off the tongue differently. I'd hate to screw up your pun with nautical technicalities. 

As always, welcome to Costco, I love you

Sincerely,
Warren Bujol
Editor-in-Chief, Exposure Magazine

 

My Limitations Include:

WEEK 3

My Chariot

My Chariot

After two days of updating this "blog", I realized that we may need to make it a weekly thing. I still don't know what a "blog" is or when Guinness will be here. In fact, the only thing I do know is that 16 hours after they get here, we will have a World Record hanging in the office (probably the bathroom). 

Calvin has decided to join my Record Quest, he will be trying to beat the most spins in an office chair in a minute, or 30 seconds, or whatever. It's no Stationary Wheelchair Manual, but there is a record for it. Our goal is to have Lake Charles break the record for city with the most record-breaking residents. We're going to need your help and I'll probably need to Google the current record (if it exists). Submit your own record quests to me at editor@readexposure.com. I am certain that if we give even a half-assed effort, we will need to rent a storage space to house our collective records. 

I'll keep you posted with any major developments as they happen. Don't forget to submit your record quests to me. If you don't want to break records yourself, send me ideas for records I can break for you. My limitations include: whistling, drawing faces, eating vegetables. Everything else is fair game. 
Thanks for your support!

Sincerely,

Warren Bujol
Editor-in-Chief, Exposure Magazine

Day 2: I Didn't Ask To Be Evel

Still no word back from Guinness. I'm assuming there is a lot of effort required to retrieve the record from Michael Dylan Kennedy (so they can issue it to me). We've put moderate effort into tracking Michael down, but have had no luck as of yet. It appears he has been placed into the Canadian version of the witness protection program by his government in an attempt to keep the Longest Stationary Wheelchair Manual Record in Canada. Unfortunately for our Canadian neighbors, America isn't known for being not-number 1; just ask the 1980 Soviet Union National Hockey team. 

In the meantime, I will continue to Pimp My Ride*. I don't have much experience in the custom wheelchair industry, but check it out for yourself. Not bad, eh?

*Not a product of MTV's Pimp My Ride TV show. 

*Not a product of MTV's Pimp My Ride TV show. 

You're probably wondering if I'm just making trips to Hobby Lobby and decorating some wheelchair I bought for $20 in a sketchy warehouse sale behind our office. Well, to answer that; no. I've been training harder than Rocky in Rocky 4. In fact, I'm sending a new application to Guinness to add the Longest No-Handed Wheelchair Manual Record to my collection. I'm not even going to Google what the current record is. It wouldn't matter anyway, I'll beat it.

I'd love to stay and chat, but this montage isn't going to start itself. Be sure to email your questions, concerns, or Guinness World Record dreams to editor@readexposure.com. 

Warren's World Record

As a child, I knew that I was going to be in the glorious pages of the Guinness Book someday; I just never knew what for. Though I have never been confined to a wheelchair, I have been blessed with a great balance. In the past I have been asked by many if I would be attempting to break the record, but until recently, I did not feel as if I were ready. Now I am certain.

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