Top 3 New Year's Resolutions

By Jordan Waldmeier | 12/31/2014

It’s that time of the year, the end of another year. The presents have been opened and the annual family visits are over; New Year's Eve has arrived. As the ball drops, we tell 2014 to kiss our ass goodbye and welcome 2015 with open arms and ambitions. 2015: The Year of the Sheep. The Year of Back to the Future Part II (we even have real hover-boards now!). Though the horns are blowing, confetti is falling, the crowd is singing “Kumbaya,” I can’t help it but to feel like the Lieutenant Dan of the group.

Not because it’s just another year gone by and there’s no hope for the future, but because: for the next two weeks, all I’ll be hearing about is “your” New Year's resolution. Is that cynical of me to think that way? Sure. But, please allow me to indulge on a few of the most popular resolutions that this great first world country has to offer.


#3 - Quit Drinking

From: http://imgur.com

From: http://imgur.com

Did you have a fun New Years Eve? Did you wake up in a random stranger's house still wearing a tuxedo with nacho cheese stains and reeking of champagne? Feeling a bit hungover, possibly? You might want to grab a pre-noon beer to help soothe that headache....oh wait, you can’t. Remember? You gave up drinking! I mean, come on! Not even twelve hours into the first day of your new found sobriety and you've got 12 ounce reminders of last night's antics starring you right in the mouth. How will you survive New Year's lunch without a preparatory buzz, and then the other 364 remaining days? That’s right, you told yourself no alcohol for a year. A year filled with events, occasions, and celebrations all enhanced by the wonderful spirit of liquid spirits. Even Jesus drank. You mean to tell me: If Jesus walked up to you during a Fourth of July barbecue and offered you a wine-cooler, you would slap it out of his hand because of your “resolution”? No. You take that God-given wine-cooler, enjoy it, and ride off into the sunset on jet skis together. Now, I know that there are some people that do have serious drinking problems and should seek proper help. But, for the rest of the average Joes and Jills out there: be realistic and be safe.


#2 - Quit Smoking

With the stresses that exist in our hard American lives, many turn to cigarettes for a quick moment of relief. (I’m not a smoker, but I’ve tried to start. I just can’t. The hacking alone isn’t worth it.) You tend to tell yourself that’s why you do it, to ease your nerves. Next thing you know you’re smoking two packs a day and begin to sound like the old lady from The Goonies. I not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure you’re addicted. An epiphany strikes! “How have I let this little white tube of nicotine filled goodness contro....I’ll be right back, I need a smoke....” As I was saying, you’ve got a problem that can be detrimental to your health. Recently lot of people have switched over to the electronic cigarettes. Try not to be that douchebag that proclaims they can use them wherever they want because “it’s just vapor.” I would prefer to watch a movie or enjoy a meal without the obtrusive smell of creme de brule or blueberry scents lingering. If I wanted that, I’d go to Pier 1. Also, remember back in the day when “doctors” said cigarettes are completely healthy? I predict a recurrence. Maybe try going cold turkey? It’ll be hard, but prove to yourself what you are capable of.


#1 - Get Healthy!

new years4.jpg

Now, this one I hold near and dear to my heart. Being a former fat-ass (yes, I earned my right to say that). I've got some knowledge and experience on this one. When I was younger, every year this was my resolution. I tried every diet imaginable---to no avail. With the fear of death looming over me, I decided it was time for drastic changes. Admittedly, I did receive bariatric surgery. I was damn near immobile. After said surgery was performed I didn't want to use it as an excuse to eat the same shit that was in my everyday diet...just lesser amounts. I took it as a full commitment. I changed my life for the better, cutting out all of the bad foods, and getting active. Fast food and fried food? That shit isn’t good for you, plain and simple. After losing a large amount of weight I was able to hit the gym. At my peak I was going to the gym six or seven days a week. I went from 450 pounds, to my lowest at 185 pounds. I didn’t like how thin I had become (considering I am 6' 2" tall), so I decided to bulk up. Now I proudly hover between 240 and 250 pounds, and am going to the gym comfortably three or four times a week. I digress.

Every year during the first few weeks of January there is a huge influx of activity at the gym. The “lose weighters” have arrived. I don’t mean to sound conceited, because this time of the year really hurts me. I used to be that person. These people come in with the short lived hopes and bettering oneself, only to give up within two weeks---all because of a scheduled resolution. I remember seeing a guy walking the treadmill while chugging a 20 ounce Coca-Cola. With my past, I know I could be a motivator, but, I always hated when people would try that with me. I can only hope that one day that person can see in themselves that they truly have the ability to change on their time: when they are ready.

As some of you read this, you might think, “this guy is a really half glass empty person.” Maybe I am, but at least my glass isn't half full of shit. You don’t need a special time of the year to tell you when you need to make changes. Maybe you don’t need to cut things out of your life that you indulge in. Sometimes you have to learn how to do things in moderation. Be determined. We all have the power to change. All you need is will. Or not. I don't care what you do. See you next year!


About the author:

Hello universe, my name is Jordan Waldmeier. Scientifically, I am 28 years of age, as of 2014AD. I was born and raised in Sulphur, Louisiana and moved out of my mothers home at the young age of 27 and a half. Currently residing in Lake Charles, Louisiana (a whole bridge away): I am an observer of the human species, mentally taking notes on their actions around me, hopefully to be recorded to paper before they are lost by the inevitable dementia embedded in my DNA.

I am a collector of modified, petroleum formed, 6 inch scale likings of comic book superheroes and other science fiction icons. My favorite tree is one that has been processed into a 22 page full-colored comic book. Both of my parents are still alive, therefore, I am not Batman. 

"Be excellent to each other."

-Epitaph


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