So You Think You Can Dance: A Smart Person's Guide to Flash Mobbing
By Taylor Lee
So it’s finally happened to you. One of your friends has gotten it in their head that it would be a lot of fun. So much fun, in fact, that they decide to do you a favor and invite you to participate. You smile and say yes, because you’re a nice person, because you’re not one to say no, and because Karen has been through a lot lately and she really needs something like this. But deep down inside, you shudder at the thought of it: the rehearsals, the planning, the dancing. “Oh no,” you think, “what have I done? I’ve just said yes to partaking in a surprise dance performance at the God-forsaken mall. I’ve just agreed to participate...in a flash mob!”
With Arms Wide Open.
But then that devilish mind of yours starts working. Maybe there’s a way to get some enjoyment out of this. You think to yourself, “you know what? Karen isn’t really a nice person. She’s never been all that kind to me, at work or otherwise. Plus, she genuinely likes Creed.”
Fear Not, You Dancing Fool
But what exactly can you do? Fear not, you dancing fool. I’m here to help. I present to you the 10 best ways to sabotage a flash mob:
1. Right before the flash mob is set to begin, yell out “IS EVERYONE READY TO START THE FLASH MOB?”
2. Change the music to the sound of sirens. Everyone will evacuate, so you can finally go check out band shirts at Hot Topic without feeling like a square.
3. Sustain a fake injury. Accuse the first person who stops dancing and helps you of ruining the flash mob.
4. Secretly plan another flash mob that occurs at the exact same time and place.
5. “Accidentally” spill lots of motor oil.
6. Anonymously submit and publish an expose of the location where the flash mob will be taking place that claims that the building is infested with rats. (Advanced: Prior to publication, secretly release rats at location in order to legitimize article, reveal that you are the author, win several journalism awards)
7. Just start screaming. Continue dancing, but don’t stop screaming.
8. Call every person in the group the night before and tell them that the performance has been relocated. Give each person a different location.
9. Show up in your underwear and adamantly refuse to put clothes on.
10. Find the least likable person in the flash mob. Moments before the dance begins, corner this person and convince him that the flash mob is actually an elaborate plan to kidnap him for ransom. Concurrently, convince everyone else that said unlikable person is suffering from severe performance anxiety and has been thinking about running off to tell security to stop the flash mob. When the unlikable person runs out of fear of being kidnapped, everyone else will chase after him, thereby confirming his fear and really freaking the guy out. Good stuff.
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