8 reasons Valentine’s Day is Bullshit

By Nikki Sue Alston | 2/13/2015


1.  The Catholic Church Started This Nonsense

 The Catholic Church identifies three different saints named Valentine or, Valentinus, but the details are about as clear as Common Core. One folklore suggests that Valentine was a priest who served in third century Rome; the time of Emperor Claudius II. Claudius decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives; they (the soldiers) didn't worry about putting the toilet seat down, and their hands were rough from all the dishes they didn't have to wash.  So, he did what any good ruler would do; he outlawed marriage for young men. Valentine, realizing the unfairness, rebelled against Claudius, and continued to allow the little Romper Stompers to get hitched. When Claudius realized his legion still had soft hands and neatly-groomed eyebrows, he had Valentine executed. 

Valentine No. 2 was killed for helping Christians escape Roman prisons. Turns out, Christians weren't keen on torture. Sadly, they used their little Valentine's Day cards to dig their way to freedom, leaving a long trail of awkward love note-evidence. Thanks, Hallmark. Valentine No. 3 was imprisoned (most likely for having the era's most unpopular name), and is said to have actually sent the very first “Valentine” greeting to his jailor's daughter. He <3 -ed her at the time, but we'll never know who he <3 -ed once he was released (he probably died in jail).  :/


2. Valentine’s Day is Hallmark’s 2nd Favorite Day-Christmas being No.1

According to The Greeting Card Association, 1 billion (enough to kill a sizable forest, several times over) Valentine’s Day cards are sent each year, making Valentine’s Day super-profitable. On a side note, 85% of Valentine's cards are purchased by women. Not so romantic after all, huh? That's exactly what dudes want... a card they have to hold on to for a few days before they can feel guilty as they throw it in the trash can. 


3.  Another Historical Fact: Valentine’s Day Also Stems From Ancient Roman Fertility Festivals

Women weren't always given candy or flowers; they used to be whipped (not even in the Fifty Shades of Grey way). Whipping was thought to increase young lady-fertility, but there's a good chance they didn't have much scientific evidence to back this claim.  


4. Valentine's Day Has Become Increasingly Commercialized With Advertising Agencies Spending Millions on TV and Magazine Ads Starting Right After Christmas


5. Relationships Are Freaking Hard Enough Without Having to Pull Out All the Stops On a Designated Day

You should do nice things all year, not just on one day… One method is to find someone that doesn't piss you off all the time. That way, you don't have to sarcastically say nice things, or fantasize about suffocating them in their sleep. If you find yourself doing those things (sarcasm and suffocation), or similar; perhaps you should seek therapy, or find a new partner.


6. September Is the Most Common Birth Month in the US; Turns Out, You Didn't Pull Out All the Stops That Day

Meaning a lot of people get their bump and grind on. That's okay, but children are like pets; they need food, water, shelter, and attention... tons of it.

7. Love Is So Much More Multifaceted Than Walgreens Flowers and Stoffer’s Chocolates

Psychologists have been studying attraction and love for over 40 years and they still can’t give us a damn love potion; it's doubtful that the $18 box of chocolates you picked at Walgreens - on your way home - will rekindle that fire.

 

8. Goodwill Is Over-Flowing With Those Big Ass Stuffed Bears You Bought Then Donated a Month Later

I asked an employee; they end up throwing them away after a few months. Don't be a part of the problem; be a part of the solution.


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